It's hard when people ask "Whats Wrong?".. and you don't have an answer because the truth is you don't know. And so, I don't. How could I know? I fight for your attention every single moment but I get zero. What am I to do? You think you know everything about me. Like when I'm hurt. But you don't because half the time I am hurt and you don't even seem to care. Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably feel the heat. I hurt ....
How can you describe Chuck Johnson? Friend is how I describe this man. He was there for anyone. I had not seen him in years and he was the same as he was in high school with the exception of he had God on his face. He was a true description of the word, "Christian". I am deeply saddened by his death from cancer that he had gotten while serving our country during the Gulf War. He didn't give up the fight and he held on for as long as he could ...all the while being a soldier for God. I will miss him but I know I will see him on the other side, in Heaven. God Bless you Chuck, whom I call
Lots of things have happened since my last blog, my mother Mary passed away on April 10, 2012 and my daddy Haskell passed away on January 21, 2013. Such a sad time for our family. Two of the greatest people in my life, and in the lives of my children and grandchildren. They both gave and gave so much of themselves ....I'm ashamed that I didn't do or give more to them. Life will never be the same for me. I grieve them almost every day. I miss and wish I could talk to them or ask them things that I don't know the answer to. People say "Life goes on" ....HOW?
Lots of changes since my last blogging....I thought I'd never see my sweet Isaac again. But God has blessed me so much....Isaac is back and I have a new Grand-daughter who is 4 months old. I am back in Mount Airy ..."Mayberry"! I am presently looking for a permanent place to lay my head. My husband is finished with school and is working ....life is full. I have regrets ...some to say the least but hey, who doesn't? I ramble quite a bit ...have lots to say but can't say it sometimes. But I'll be back ....PROMISE!!
I can't even begin to describe how I felt at that moment. It is almost "wordless". I really felt this would be good-bye for forever. My heart was aching and my eyes were flooded and he knew it. He was so sweet with all the hugs and kisses I could handle. He kissed me and his Papa about 50 times. He knew this might be the last time he'd see us. I love this child more than words can pen. I love his smile, his eyes, his lips, his hugs, his sweet voice, his heart and all the love he gives me. I can't get enough of him. I pray that God will help us watch over him and guide him in any things he does through out his life. God hold him in your arms, as mine aren't strong enough.
What a weekend!!! I got to see these lovely two faces....thank you Lord. I have missed them both so bad. It was wonderful to see them and touch them....hug them....love them. He is a real ham. He would say "Cheese"....and smile. WOW!!!
Isaac....my darling grandson. You show the grace that each of us need to know. You, as a child, with your forgiving and loving heart, bring me such joy. I can't describe how much love I feel for you. Your sweet smile gives me such pleasure, whether it's just a chance meeting that I see you; or if I'm allowed to visit with you. Your love will carry me for the rest of my days. Isaac, for I know that your heart is in sync with mine.....just look at the Moon and you will know that I am thinking of you today, and always. Mucho Love Isaac James Torres.....Mucho Love. <3
HOME....no place like it. If you've never experienced this place, you need to. Home can be anywhere you want it to be. As long as you're happy... it can even be in Chapel Hill, NC. But your heart has to be right and I know mine is. I'm so happy with my walk with God...No I'm not perfect but my love for Christ is. He helps me in my everyday walk with him. He even carries me sometimes. WOW huh? You know, he's held my hand so many times when indeed I needed it and gave me guidance thru his word. I'm so undeserving of Him. I thank you Lord for saving me.
Nobody Understands...Nobody. I don't expect them to either. I could sleep for days....and days. I am sick. I know this is why. I hate this feeling, but there is no getting over it. It's literally killing me. I'm sad. I'm so, so sad. I can't get out of this state either. I don't think I want to either....as long as this continues. If death is bad, I don't think I'll survive it either. I can't talk to anyone much because they just don't know what I feel. I don't expect them to. I don't want anyone analyzing me on this. If you've been there, then you know. Don't try to analyze this. You can't. I have one true friend who is there for me.....who don't ask me why I feel this way....who just listens to me rant and cry. That friend loves me. But who wants to listen to this all the time? This is why I don't tell this friend when I feel this way....I don't want them to hear it all the time!!! Who Would? I don't think my own family knows either. I don't bombard them with the details of my feelings. If I do, some are quick to judge me....not love me....and they don't listen. I don't need a judge....I don't need my family to tell me how to feel....I need them to understand and love me. How about a little love instead of knowing what to tell me to do? You don't know....you can't ....you're not there!!!! I am!!!! It's hard to be in the middle....try it a while....be in the middle and see how you feel. You might not be so quick to judge my feelings!!! I could rant on and on.....Just love me.....don't try to start something with me. I cry.......who cares?!?
My pastor, Larry R. Phillips, shared with me about his Blog. Well, I read his, thought about it and decided it would be a great space to share and place my heart. Sometimes there is a lot to be said, but no one to share it with.
Mount Airy (Mayberry), North Carolina, United States
About Me?? How many times in life does someone ask about you? For me, that has been very few. I am a christian. I love God. I love my family. I love watching my children grow up. I love my grandson, Isaac James Torres. I enjoy those moments that only come once in a lifetime. I love unplanned trips. I love taking photos of my family. I enjoy meeting new people.